Did you like it… When your relationship was at its absolute peak? Did you enjoy being that close to your wife? Did you enjoy being that connected to her?
If so, I have a very important question:
What types of things were you doing, at that time in your relationship? (not counting sex)
When you had a wonderful relationship with your spouse, you naturally did things that created a foundation of connection. And most of us, once we settle into normal, everyday, married life, completely stop whatever we did with our wife that created that foundation of connection.
If your wife liked to watch movies with you, it’s because it was creating connection. If she liked getting flowers from you, it’s because it was creating connection. If she liked talking to you for hours on end, it’s because it was creating connection. If she liked holding your hand and going for a walk, it’s because it was creating connection.
Your wife desires connection… intimate connection. And going back to some things that successfully built connection between the two of you in the first place can be an important part of deepening your relationship today.
Now, as you well know, just doing one or more of the “things you used to do” isn’t going to completely fix the relationship that you currently have. These things, in and of themselves, are not going to eliminate conflict. They are not going to heal all the hurt. They are not going to independently create intimacy.
I remember hearing, when my wife and I were really struggling, how important it was to keep “dating” your wife after you got married. And this is certainly good advice. However, our relationship problems were so great that a white tablecloth and soft music just made for even more awkward silence than we had already been experiencing. But in conjunction with other efforts, repeating things that years ago brought you closer together can often be a wonderful (and powerful) tool for “fanning the flames” of your current relationship.
Back then, you did these things instinctively. Today, you’re going to need to do them intentionally.
So whatever you did in the “good old days”… do it again. Whether movies, or flowers, or uninterrupted talking, or hand holding, or walking, or sky diving 🙂 …whatever you did that she liked and that created a foundation of connection between the two of you… start doing it again.
And I’ll give you fair warning — This will probably feel silly, at first. You may be tempted to bail on the idea and just return to your normal routine. But if you continue to do it… and continue to do it… and continue to do it — In time, this seemingly simple suggestion can play an absolutely huge part in helping your relationship move toward a place that you both will (once again) love.
All my best,
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